This week we’re talking about how letter writing can be a powerful way to support and buoy one another during life’s more difficult times. It can be daunting to sit in front of a blank page not knowing where to begin, what to say, what words to avoid, and how to be there for someone going through a hard time. There’s no right way to express your condolences, apologies, or words of encouragement, but hopefully these tips and reminders will help you overcome the writer’s block and get you writing. Often in these situations, a note of support, no matter how clunky, is better than not having written at all.
Every situation is unique, as is your relationship to the recipient of your letter. We hope these tips are a good starting place, but in the end if you speak from your heart, your words and thoughtfulness will carry a lot of comfort. Probably more than you know.
TIPS FOR LETTERS OF SUPPORT
We all experience adversities in our lives, some heavier than others, but all valid and packed with emotions across the spectrum. It’s our human nature to want to support friends and loved ones, lift spirits, encourage perseverance, and show care for their wellbeing. Making space in your letter writing practice to support the people in your life is important. The impact isn’t always visible or acknowledged by the recipient, but reaching out in times of need can have a huge impact.
As much as possible, put yourself in the position of the recipient - what would you want to hear in your own time of need? Share your experience, but be cautious not to push advice.
TIPS FOR LETTERS OF CONDOLENCE
When we encounter someone in pain, we feel compelled to try to end their suffering. But we can’t remove the complex emotions of a tragedy no matter how hard we try, it’s not that simple. Instead of approaching your letter writing with the pressure to offer a cure or to heal their pain, think of yourself as a helper. In that capacity, what can you do? Be present and find a way to tell them “I am here.”
When we suffer a loss, it can be easy to neglect everyday needs. When you write to comfort someone going through a loss and want to do something to help, avoid open-ended offers like “let me know what I can do.” Instead make specific actionable suggestions to take burdens off their plate. “Let me pick up Aunt Susan when she lands next week” or “Please let me host your family for Easter this year! Don’t bring a thing, just come over at 10am for brunch.”
As tempting as it might be to jot inspirational messages from a quick online search, avoid using cliches as a crutch if possible. They may be perceived as insincere, or feel inauthentic. Use your own voice and try to offer hope. People grieving often have a hard time seeing past their immediate pain and can feel significant hopelessness. If you’ve experienced something similar, sharing your story may help the recipient feel less alone. It also may offer a seed of hope, knowing that you came through it. Be mindful not to assume you know how they’re feeling. Steer clear of statements like “I know exactly how you feel” or “I understand what you’re going through.” We all process differently, and to assume you know how they’re feeling may end up belittling their pain.
TIPS FOR LETTERS OF RECONCILIATION
To mess up is human, and we all mess up from time to time. Letter writing can help us admit it, learn from it, and let it go. Reaching out to apologize isn’t easy, and it involves some risk: fear of rejection, judgement, or even retaliation. That said, putting your apology out there can not only let the recipient know that you're thinking of them, but also help us process feelings of burden, guilt, shame, and regret. By taking time to intentionally write your apology, you are endeavoring to heal you both. A letter can also be a nice way to give yourself time and space to be rational and composed.
Accepting responsibility doesn’t mean taking the blame and an apology letter is not necessarily the place to ask for forgiveness. State your truth, but be willing to accept any consequences. Best not to rehash or replay the incident - you can’t undo it and it implies the person you hurt wasn’t there or paying attention. And, more importantly, it may make them re-live a painful experience. Instead think about your intention then or now, and own your part by thinking of ways in which you might have been insensitive without realizing it.
PROMPTS
This week, instead of a list of prompts, if you need a nudge, start a hard letter you have been wanting or meaning to write. Do not plan on sending it, instead, write this letter for yourself and use it as a format for you to get more clear about how you feel. If once you write it, if you decide you want to send it, or a version of it, great, but if not, consider it a start - a big step in resolving something for yourself.
WEEKLY SPECIAL & GIVEAWAY
Having the right card on hand can help set the tone for your letter - this week, all sympathy cards are 25% off on our site with code EMPATHY. We’ll be giving away a set of cards to cover the hard topics along with some other letter writing goodies and pens from @sakuraofamerica, so be sure to tune in on Instagram this Wednesday for a chance to win.
